Own Your Feelings (Even When It’s Hard)
When your partner does something that upsets you—whether it’s forgetting something that is important to you or snapping at you after a long day—it’s natural to feel hurt or angry. But here’s the thing: your feelings are your responsibility. That doesn’t mean your partner’s actions don’t matter. Of course they do! But the way you respond to those actions is completely within your control, and it makes a huge difference on the outcome. Instead of saying, “You made me feel this way,” try shifting to, “I feel this way.” It seems small, but it makes a huge difference. I don't just recommend this because it's the "right" thing to do; I recommend it because it helps YOU. When you own your emotions instead of blaming your partner for them, you take back your power. You’re no longer at the mercy of what they do or don’t do—you’re in charge of how you handle it.
Ditch the Blame Game
Scenario: You've had a long, stressful day at work, and when you get home, you notice that your partner hasn't done any of the things around the house that they promised to do.
You: Storming into the room, voice raised "Seriously? You've been home all day and the sink is still full of dishes!? Why do I have to do everything around here?"
They immediately get defensive ("Get off my back! I was just about to do it!"), and now you’re in a full-blown argument.
It’s a vicious cycle, and it doesn’t lead anywhere good. When we blame our partners for how we feel (likely overwhelmed and sad in this case), it puts them on the defensive, which is not going to suddenly inspire them to step up and take ownership. Just the opposite.
Instead of dumping your reactionary emotions on them in anger, try expressing yourself calmly and clearly. Take a break if needed. Focus on how you feel deeper down. Something like: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and could really use some help right now. I'm so tired I could cry”. This kind of communication invites connection instead of conflict. It gives your partner space to hear you without feeling like they’re under attack, which makes them much more likely to respond with care and accountability.
Look at Your Side of the Street
Here’s where things get tricky (but also transformative): take a step back and ask yourself how you might be contributing to the dynamic in your relationship. I know it’s tempting to think it’s all on them, especially if their behavior really is problematic, but relationships are rarely one-sided, and small changes on your end can have a positive ripple effect on the relationship as a whole.
Maybe you’ve been shutting down emotionally when things get hard. Maybe you’ve been holding onto resentment instead of addressing issues head-on. Or maybe you’ve been expecting them to read your mind instead of clearly communicating what you need.
Even if their behavior feels like 90% of the problem, there’s almost always something on your side of the street that could use attention too, even if it’s just 10%. Own that piece (no matter how small), and start there.
The Surprising Payoff
Here’s the ironic part: when you stop waiting around for your partner to take full responsibility and instead take ownership of your part, something amazing happens—you start to feel better. It's like magic! It might not make sense at first; shouldn’t their apology or change in behavior be what makes you feel better? Sure! However, when you’re stuck in blame mode, you’re essentially handing over all your emotional power to them. You’re saying, “I can’t feel okay until you fix this.” which leads to a lot of relational anxiety and anger, and it's completely exhausting.
When you take responsibility for even a small piece of the issue, whether it’s acknowledging how you reacted or recognizing an old pattern that might be showing up (yelling, cold shoulder), you reclaim that power. You’re no longer waiting for them to make things right; you’re taking steps toward feeling better on your own terms. And here’s another bonus: when you model taking responsibility for your part, it often inspires your partner to do the same (without you having to nag or guilt them into it). Win-win!
Try This Out for Yourself
Want to see how this works in real time? Try this simple exercise:
Think about a recent conflict with your partner—something that left you feeling upset or frustrated.
Take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What was my role in this? How might I have contributed to the situation?” Take your time.
Be honest but gentle with yourself. This isn’t about beating yourself up; it’s about gaining insight and clarity.
Now imagine owning that piece (even if it feels tiny) and expressing it to your partner in a calm way without attachment to a specific outcome: “I realize I got defensive during our conversation earlier...That probably didn’t help us work through things.” You aren't taking ownership of their part, which still needs to be discussed. Only yours.
Notice how it feels in your body when you take ownership instead of blaming. Do you feel a little lighter? Less tense? A little more grounded?
Stop Waiting for Them to Change
Here’s the bottom line: if you’re waiting around for your partner to take full responsibility before things can get better, chances are…you’ll be waiting forever. No one wants to carry 100% of the blame in a relationship—it just doesn’t work that way.
But when YOU take even a small step toward owning your part, everything shifts:
You feel more empowered and less stuck in frustration.
Your partner feels less attacked and more open to hearing what you have to say.
The dynamic between you starts to change in ways that actually move things forward instead of keeping you stuck in the same old patterns.
So stop taking things so personally and
start taking personal responsibility instead. It might not be easy at first (old habits die hard), but once you see how much lighter and freer it makes both you and your relationship feel, there’ll be no turning back. You’ve got this! If you're struggling on your own, reach out for counseling and we can work through it together. 💛
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