Breaking the Cycle of Codependency by Learning to Trust Yourself

Codependency can cause you to feel like you're alone in your relationship

Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells in your relationship or constantly monitoring your partner’s mood to make sure everything feels “okay”? Or feeling overwhelmed with anxiety when they seem upset, or feeling responsible for fixing their emotions just so you can relax? It's completely exhausting, especially when you have been doing it your whole life. This is the weight of codependency, a pattern where your sense of safety and peace depends on someone else’s feelings or behavior. Codependency often stems from a deep-rooted fear of conflict or rejection, and while it may have helped you feel safe in the past as a child, it can create challenges in your relationships today. In this post, we’ll explore what codependency really is, where it comes from, and how to begin healing by reconnecting with yourself.

What is Codependency, Really?

At its core, codependency is about not feeling safe in your own body and with your own emotions. And since you have learned that your own emotions (fear, sadness, etc) are not safe, you manage the people around you so you don't have to feel them. As long as your partner is happy and calm, you can be calm too. But the problem is, you're not calm—

You're constantly on edge, watching your partner's every move, trying to gauge their mood. Are they happy? Upset? Your entire emotional state hinges on theirs. If they're having a bad day, suddenly your world feels like it's crumbling. That's codependency in action. The codependency makes you think that the key to safety, security, and peace is in managing the people you are in a relationship with. Codependency makes you think you're in charge, but the truth is, you aren't.

The Roots of Codependency

Codependency is often learned in childhood. As a kid, you picked up on the idea that you'd be safer if the people around you weren't mad, angry, or upset with you. So, what did clever little you do? You learned not to express those "negative" feelings. You kept yourself feeling safe that way! Smart kid! If you hadn't bottled up those feelings and managed the people around you, you might have been punished for those feelings, either intentionally by actually being punished, or unintentionally but a parent withdrawing their love and attention from you, which is a death sentence for kid's emotions. Subconsciously the little you knew very well how important love and attention were, so that smart little you hid parts of themselves that would make getting it more likely.

But now, as an adult, that same behavior that once protected you is causing trouble in your relationships. You've become so good at stuffing down your own emotions that you struggle to validate them yourself. And if you can't validate your own emotions, how can you expect your partner to?

Empathy, Sensitivity, and the Path to Codependency

Codependency often develops in empathic and sensitive individuals due to their innate ability to deeply tune into the emotions of those around them. As children, these individuals could sense the subtle emotional shifts in their environment with remarkable accuracy. This heightened awareness, while a gift, can also become a burden if it's unmanaged. For sensitive people, emotions—especially challenging ones like fear or anger—can feel particularly intense and overwhelming. A small amount of fear might feel magnified, leading them to develop strategies to avoid these uncomfortable feelings, like learning to prioritize others' emotional states over their own as a way to create a sense of safety and control. This early adaptation, born out of their empathic nature and sensitivity, can lay the groundwork for codependent patterns in adult relationships.

What Codependency Looks and Feels Like in a Relationship:

• You're very quick to apologize, even when you're not at fault.

• You suppress your emotions to avoid conflict or rejection, even when it leads to resentment and disconnection.

• You feel responsible for your partner's happiness and try to "fix" their problems.

• You struggle to make decisions without your partner's input.

• You're constantly anxious about what your partner is thinking or feeling.

• You neglect your own needs and desires to focus on your partner's.

The Anxiety of Codependency

Living with codependency often means living with constant anxiety. You might find yourself unable to relax or be at peace unless you're sure your partner is okay. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster that you can't get off. Even when you're at the top of the roller coaster, deep down you know it won't last, and you're in a constant state of vigilance to detect when the fall is going to begin. It's exhausting, and it's not sustainable.

The First Step to Healing: Feeling Your Feelings

Here's the good news: healing from codependency is possible, and it starts with learning to allow yourself to feel what you feel. If that sounds scary, it should! After all, you've spent so long trying to avoid those uncomfortable emotions. But here's the truth: you are strong enough to feel what you're scared to feel, even if you don't believe it.

The reason you've been outsourcing your feelings is to avoid experiencing the hard stuff – fear, pain, loneliness. But by doing so, you're also missing out on the full spectrum of human emotion, including joy, excitement, and genuine connection, and importantly: peace.

How Somatic Therapy Can Help

Somatic therapy is a powerful tool that helps you connect with your body and your emotions in a safe, supported way. Think of me as the river banks, and the water is your emotions. I provide the structure and guidance so your emotions, the water, can flow naturally where it needs to go. Through the process, you learn to do this for yourself which allows for a tremendous amount of healing.

Through guided exercises we work together to:

• Identify where you hold tension in your body related to codependent behaviors.

• Practice grounding techniques to help you feel safe in your own skin.

• Use visualization exercises to connect with your inner strength and resilience.

  
  

It help you realize that you are capable of handling your emotions – all of them. As you learn to trust yourself and your ability to cope with difficult feelings, you'll find that you rely less on others for your sense of safety and well-being.

A Journey of Self-Discovery

Remember, healing from codependency is a journey, not a destination. It's about learning to trust yourself, to validate your own experiences, and to create healthy boundaries in your relationships. It's about recognizing that while connection with others is beautiful and necessary, your primary relationship is with yourself, and without a healthy relationship to yourself, a healthy relationship with others is impossible.

As you embark on this path, be gentle with yourself. Codependent behaviors developed as a way to keep you safe, and it takes time to unlearn them. But with patience, practice, and support, you can develop a new relationship with yourself and your emotions.

You are stronger than you know (I've seen it time and time again), and you have the capacity to feel, to heal, and to grow. Your feelings are valid, your experiences matter, and you deserve to feel safe and secure in your own skin. If you're ready to start this journey of self-discovery and healing, I'm here to support you. Together, we can work on building your self-trust, managing anxiety, and creating healthier relationships, starting with the one you have with yourself.